Monday, October 8, 2018

Thank You

Finally… a day I feel like sitting down and type instead of hogging on my phone scrolling Facebook and Instagram.

I’ve been feeling shitty for the past week. Broke down twice, two days, back to back. First, I was feeling all the low self-esteem shit. Whenever I look in the mirror, I see a haggard woman with messy hair. Doesn't help much that my postpartum hair is growing. They looked like an abandoned land covered with grass which desperately needs a gardener to trim the grass. Unfortunately, my hair can't be trim for now. I have to let it grow longer so that my hair looks normal again.

I even have the “urge”.

I started searching for information related to depression. Apparently, postpartum depression can happen even after 10 months giving birth. But the question is, am I having depression?

I don’t think so… I think.

Usually, after a shower, my husband will head to the room and call it a night. While I’ll stay in the living room to wait for the time to pump. I try not to stay in the room too long cos I don’t wanna wake Chloe up. Even if she wakes up, I don’t want her to see me and cry and wants to be carried. But on the night of my second break down, he stayed in the living room after a shower. I was surprised. He didn’t know I had a second break down.

We talked a while. That is all I need. A talk. It didn’t matter what we talked. What mattered is, him spending time with me. I didn’t realize that I was feeling like that because I was lack of interaction with a person whom I can be myself. The way to keep me sane.

The next day I woke up feeling less dreadful. I still dread, but less.

Today during dinner, he suddenly said, “Thank you”.

“Thank you for taking care of Chloe and sorry that you need to go through all these. “

It warms my heart.

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