Monday, October 8, 2018

Thank You

Finally… a day I feel like sitting down and type instead of hogging on my phone scrolling Facebook and Instagram.

I’ve been feeling shitty for the past week. Broke down twice, two days, back to back. First, I was feeling all the low self-esteem shit. Whenever I look in the mirror, I see a haggard woman with messy hair. Doesn't help much that my postpartum hair is growing. They looked like an abandoned land covered with grass which desperately needs a gardener to trim the grass. Unfortunately, my hair can't be trim for now. I have to let it grow longer so that my hair looks normal again.

I even have the “urge”.

I started searching for information related to depression. Apparently, postpartum depression can happen even after 10 months giving birth. But the question is, am I having depression?

I don’t think so… I think.

Usually, after a shower, my husband will head to the room and call it a night. While I’ll stay in the living room to wait for the time to pump. I try not to stay in the room too long cos I don’t wanna wake Chloe up. Even if she wakes up, I don’t want her to see me and cry and wants to be carried. But on the night of my second break down, he stayed in the living room after a shower. I was surprised. He didn’t know I had a second break down.

We talked a while. That is all I need. A talk. It didn’t matter what we talked. What mattered is, him spending time with me. I didn’t realize that I was feeling like that because I was lack of interaction with a person whom I can be myself. The way to keep me sane.

The next day I woke up feeling less dreadful. I still dread, but less.

Today during dinner, he suddenly said, “Thank you”.

“Thank you for taking care of Chloe and sorry that you need to go through all these. “

It warms my heart.

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

The Last Time

From the moment you hold your baby in your arms,
you will never be the same.
You might long for the person you were before,
When you had freedom and time,
And nothing in particular to worry about.

You will know tiredness like you never knew it before,
And days will run into days that are exactly the same,
Full of feedings and burping,
Nappy changes and crying,
Whining and fighting,
Naps or a lack of naps,
It might seem like a never-ending cycle.

But don’t forget …
There is a last time for everything.
There will come a time when you will feed your baby
for the very last time.
They will fall asleep on you after a long day
And it will be the last time you ever hold your sleeping child.

One day you will carry them on your hip then set them down,
And never pick them up that way again.
You will scrub their hair in the bath one night
And from that day on, they will want to bathe alone.
They will hold your hand to cross the road,
Then never reach for it again.
They will creep into your room at midnight for cuddles,
And it will be the last night you ever wake to this.

One afternoon you will sing “the wheels on the bus”
and do all the actions,
Then never sing them that song again.
They will kiss you goodbye at the school gate,
The next day they will ask to walk to the gate alone.
You will read a final bedtime story and wipe your last dirty face.
They will run to you with arms raised for the very last time.

The thing is, you won’t even know it’s the last time
Until there are no more times, and even then,
It will take you a while to realize.

So while you are living in these times,
remember there are only so many of them.
And when they are gone,
you will yearn for just one more day of them.

For one last time.