Thursday, May 28, 2009

Dont be angry too long...

\\ a note from me//
you really have to finish reading it. im actually crying now in office. sobs...

Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to
bring hubby to where he is today. I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother." Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to test on his chest and enjoy the feeling
that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.

Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby
smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it."

Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how
much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it."

There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.

Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest.

As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am exhausted from along day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes. From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional
work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again.

One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me.... I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however
unclean it is, right?" After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house. During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please.

In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work. That
night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.

The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I could not. I threw down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited everything out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes.. I opened my mouth but no
words came out of it, I really did not mean it.

We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at then low point in my life.

Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant.
Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day? At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he
has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me around in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test
of one fight?

Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket. That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again. The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird
look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital."

I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless. I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen? Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop,
apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the
countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if....In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother.

Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.
Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart.

One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me,challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood
that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me. That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other.

He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished. I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not.. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death. One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine.

As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there. After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, are you pregnant?" Since
mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me. I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scars in each other's heart. For me, it's unintentional; for
him, totally intentional. I had been waiting for this moment of
reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated.

Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart. Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time I cared for him and am concerned because there was love, but now, what is there between us? Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing but I continuously ignored him.

Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but none
of that matters to me anymore. It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would
love me as much as he did?

He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I
cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment. Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when he first discovered he had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me
saying: "Prepare for his funeral."

I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hitsme. Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son:
"Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no longer has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion....

Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have
accompanied you through life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most..." From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.

Hubby has also written a letter for me:

"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby...My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me...These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging... "

Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..." He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face.... A fatal misunderstanding and the person who loves me the most in this world is gone forever..."Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our originals intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too late."........

This is a true story.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009


Im feeling reluctant to blog these days. There are things I feel like typing out but don’t wish to expose. And when I opened my MS Word and wanna type out. I’m lost in words…


Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution X : Malaysia's Police Car

These days while on my way to work. A noticed 2 nice Evo Lancer cruising down along Federal Highway. Twice. It was really handsome of them. Even more handsome like this…

Yes. I was shocked myself. I don’t watch news. So I am not aware of this until I see it myself.

Our local car is not good enough to chase thieves?
So by driving this Evo Lancer, there will be lesser crime cos now there’s no excuse for not be able to chase after thieves?

Hopefully it is not just ‘*Ho kua bo ho jiak’

Hokkien : Nice to see, not nice to eat.

Saturday, May 23, 2009


It’s 7.40pm
Suddenly my heart aches… I don’t know why…

Went to McD with Lynn last nite after work. Talked about problems as usual. I realized, we are being brought up in a diff way compare to others. We still see people that are still stuck at that level. Well, don’t be surprise as well if u know people who is already working but still gets “allowance” from their daddy and mommy.

Not to say I have anything against them. But I just don’t understand their mentality. Me and Lynn don’t understand their mentality.

As we continue our conversation, we started to talk about how are we suppose to balance our life. Especially on financial. And no, we did not have a solution. And I am officially one of the victims for credit card debts. But no worries tho, things are still not YET out of hand. Still able to manage it. :)

Talked about insurance as Lynn doesn’t know how to go about it.

Talked about our family issues.

Talked about me. Me mememememememememememeee… Nah. Just kidding about ‘me’ part.

We did lots of catch ups.

Actually hor… I don’t know what’s the purpose of this post. I just wanna type something. Anything… And I came up with this. Sighs…


Adorable, no?

I'm totally melted alre...

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Lelong - Swiss Garden Resort & Spa Hotel - Kuantan


Swiss Garden Resort & Spa Hotel - Kuantan

3 days 2 night
Check in 30th May 2009
Check out 1st June 2009
Facing seaview – Normal rate RM276++per night

Now Lelong by me for RM150 per night.

Reason to sell it off : I need to work. :(

Please email me at is u r interested ASAP as I need to change the name for the booking. :)

Monday, May 18, 2009


Ok. Ok. I know it is too early for me to set my wish list. Well, it’s something for me to aim can or not? Who says wish list is only for birthdays and Christmas? No rite? So yes. This is my own personal wish list.
So my wish of getting a new phone has been achieved. And now… the rest of the stuffs which I wanna get…

this is a ‘need’. My CPU is making noises alre. :(
I wanted Sony Vaio. But being a typical Malaysian, who wanna install ALL the original applications. And if pirated ones screwed up my Sony, I’m fucked la. So, I’m actually reconsidering other brands instead. Any reco? :)

Can I consider this as a ‘need’ too? I don’t have a nice professional look watch eh. I think I’ll go for Casio or Titus or Fossil. I love Gucci’s watches but… if scratched I’ll kill myself so no… I’ll stick to others. :D

Ok ok. This is just a ‘want’. I know ok. For entertainment purpose. But… I don’t really need it tho. If I get it, it’ll be lesser time for me to read my books and watch my DVDs (I bought lots of books and DVDs... and still unattended). But… I miss playing games. I miss playing Loco Roco… :(

Last but not least, my latest craze…

DKNY Be Delicious Fresh Blossom
I got my DKNY Be Delicious for women. But this Fresh Blossom is so… sweet! I WANT! Yea… it’s a ‘want’. :P

I think there's more to add. haha! im going mad.

Sunday, May 17, 2009



The underlying themes to this whole process and the book are of course the women, but just as importantly, the theme of life. The women voted through and selected for this project might not necessarily be the greatest beauties of all time (although in our opinion they are) but they each bring to the table their lives. Beautiful both inside and out, they are all special in so many ways, through their accomplishments, their intelligence and most importantly, their strength in surviving and thriving in this sometimes discriminating world we live in. You'll find that each of them reveals a secret about themselves inside.

The two themes of the book also run parallel to the efforts of our partner charity, the Women's Aid Organisation. These women fight on a daily basis to get back on their feet, surviving rape, abuse and god knows what else. But they remain steadfast. And they live. Find out how you can help by surfing to


5.75" x 9" (A5) hard cover with embossed; 100 pages; 14 black and white photographs printed on 157gsm fine art matt paper with finish, 82 pages white non-lined 120gsm simili paper.

**Source from Fridae**

Friday, May 15, 2009

Nokia 5800

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present you, my latest gadget.

Nokia 5800 :D

Sometimes I thought, I must be mad. Really really mad. The day before I bought this phone, I was working midnite shift. And I thought I wanna get a phone, and also a phone for my aunt as she was complaining about her phone is giving her problems.

So after work, I went for breakfast at McD’s with my colleague who was working midnite shift with me. After I sent her home, without thinking much, I drove to Sunway Pyramid. It just suddenly struck me to get a damn new phone for myself and my aunt. It was about 10am. On my way there, I called my aunt and ask her to meet me in Sunway Pyramid IMMEDIATELY. She was still sleeping and thought I was mad. Hehe…

Anyhow… I arrived there 1st and roamed around the gadgets area. At first I was torn between SE G705 and Nokia 5800. SE because, I didn’t really used an SE phone before and I kinda like the design. 5800 because… it’s 5800! :P

My aunt arrived about 11am. Almost 12. We sat there with the sales guy, Patrick. He is a funny dude.

After talking and blow water and bullshitting and deciding and at the end, I manage to get my phone for RM1300 Ori set. :D

At the same time, my aunt chose her phone as well, SE W705. She always liked SE phones.

I picked the blue one. He said red ones sold out already. Sighs... But blue oso nice eh? :D

I’ve been using it for almost 2 weeks now. And so far it did not give me any problems. And the battery is surprisingly lasting. Taking pictures are not that bad. I don’t really depend on its camera anyways as I always carry around my Ixus 70. The touch screen sensitivity is superb. Much better than HTC and other PDA phones I must say. Oh… and the speed detecting for the GPS signal is freaking fast. So so much faster than HTC (I was working in HTC service centre so I meddle around HTC phones a lot back then). No problems at all for me to text while driving (kids, don’t do this ya? :P )

I <3 my Nokia 5800


Thursday, May 14, 2009


im currently browsing for blog template with 3 columns. and none of them caught my eye. it is either tooooo dark. or toooo funky. or tooooo simple... or just... nothing i like...

i like the current one very much. in fact, i LOVE the current one. but i dont know how to cast magic to make it to 3 columns...

anyone can help?

or shall i just keep browsing for one?



ok. my template is a bit screwed now. no. it is VERY screwed. and it is 4 fucking AM and i need to sleep now. i shall fix this on friday. which is my off day. :D

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

oh happy day~

I was on MC yesterday due to massive cramp because of my stupid auntie visiting me. I called in to let my team leader know im on MC. And she was fine with it. And I thought it was ok. So I took my rest.

today, when I came in, I was welcomed by my team leader with a letter. i… kinda freaked out. I tot it’s a warning letter, or worst, termination letter.

I opened the envelope slowly.

I got bonus! Although it is not much. But still. After all these years in work force, it is my 1st time getting bonus! :D

surprisingly today is really a great day eh…

prepare myself to work. Arriving work with a letter which says I got bonus. Talked to big cow and I tot she was angry at me but she’s not. -_-“ no huge issue all day long while working. And the ticket numbers dropped! Oh my…

Thursday, May 7, 2009

dear bloggie...

im sorry that i've neglected you. i didnt mean to. blame it on streamyx. i got fed up with the connection. so, i do not wanna waste my time with the connection at home.

i know i should give excuses.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Me? Karaoke? Haha!!

U guys wont believe this. Definitely wont. I’ve marked my own history yesterday. 1st time in my life. I was singing in karaoke. Yes. It was my 1st time. And it was quite random tho…

after I got up from bed at about 6pm (I was working midnite shift). I took my own sweet time to prepare myself and then head off to fetch big cow. And then we headed to NZX for dinner. And… this time, it was me who over ordered. But but… all the food are all so tempting! *saliva dripping*. Anyways. I didn’t get any pictures bcos we were too busy eating. Will go another round with pictures to post it up. Oh… did I mention the restaurant is 100 C? yea. It is 100 C… nice… nicee. Niceeee! And I think it is halal. Cos we don’t see any pork dishes. :P

I was enjoying listening to the Chinese songs playing in the restaurant, and out of a sudden, I said to big cow, “eh… wanna go sing k ah?”. Before the fire of singing in karaoke dim off… I quickly sent big cow to withdraw her money and off we go to Sunway Pyramid’s Red Box. :D

It was about 10pm. And we sang until 3am. :P

no problem for me as I start work at 12.30pm. but kesian big cow… she starts work in the morning. :D

oh oh… something to share…

this is taken using my new phone.

clear eh?

will blog about my new phone soon. :P

Saturday, May 2, 2009

i need...

a new phone



please recommend!!!

i'm dying from doing research which is good and which is not. :(